You're Going To Be Okay
by otherjubly
Summary: AU. What if Rey and Kylo Ren weren't separated after their battle? They bring an unconscious Ren with them and keep him at the Resistance base. They want to bring him back from the Dark to the Light, but what if they discover more than they were expecting? What did Snoke do to Ren, and how broken is he?
1. Chapter 1

_After watching the new Star Wars movie, I automatically fell in love with the character Kylo Ren. His angst-y past and secluded personality was exactly what I was looking for. I know that he is a character that has had a tough past, and that he knows he should be Light, yet he feels compelled to be Dark. He is perfect._

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

All that he wanted to do, more than anything in the world, was to just sleep. _Forever_ , if that was an option. His eyelids felt heavy, and he just didn't want this bliss to end. His head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton balls, and he swore he gained several hundred pounds. He was too tired. _How long has it been since I've actually relaxed?_ Too long. He willed his mind to wander into nothing, the black unknown, however his body had another idea. Out of nowhere, a raging headache pounded against the inside of his over-inflated skull. Ren winced and tried to sit up on whatever he was lying down on, but immediately fell back due to pain that suddenly flared up in his abdomen, face, and shoulder. The pain brought back the memories of Starkiller Base; killing his father, the woods, the snow, the traitor, the _girl_.

His left eye cracked open to be met with an unfamiliar gray ceiling. _That's strange._ Ren brought his hand up to his face, remembering the blinding agony that the girl's lightsaber brought as it quickly sliced and melted the flesh around his right eye. The pads of his fingers lightly grazed against the rough material of the bandages that most likely were wrapped unceremoniously around his head. _The pathetic medical team probably didn't even sterilize my wounds._ The medical practitioners at Starkiller (including the droids) were far from efficient. There was no need for them to be good in the first place. No one dared to even _approach_ the Base, much less attempt an attack on it. _Well, before the Resistance infiltrated Starkiller, guns blazing_.

Ren brought his hands up to his face and examined them, noting the several bandages around some of his fingers and the palms of his hands. His eye wandered from the extensive bandages from his hands to his arms, which were covered in thick green sleeves that (to his guess) were attached to some sort of robe.

 _Those imbeciles probably tore apart my suit._ Now slightly annoyed, Ren pushed himself up, fully ignoring the pain that was slowly blossoming in his side and shoulder at every movement. Ren noticed that a small blanket was wrapped carefully around his entire body, which was _very_ unusual.

 _Something is not right here._

Pushing the blanket aside, Ren swung his legs around and set them on the floor. Ren, now sitting up, was able to fully take in his surroundings. He was dressed in a long sleeved green shirt (that had seen some better days) and black pants that barely reached his sock-covered feet/ankles. He was sitting on a small cot that was just big enough to fit his entire body that was pushed back into the corner of a rather small (but not uncomfortably so) room. _A cell is a better description_ he thought as he stared at the force-field entrance that took up the entire far side of the wall.

The last thing that he remembered was watching the girl step onto the Millennium Falcon with stormtrooper in the Wookie's arms. _Did I pass out?_ He did not know. He could not remember anything after that. _Was I picked up from a passing ship?_

 _What happened to the Base?_

 _Where am I?_

The sound of a force field dropping had Ren on his feet in seconds. It was the girl. The one they called _Rey_.

"Welcome back Solo," Rey greeted, a hint of sarcasm was evident in her voice, and Ren did not miss it.

"My name is Kylo Ren. Ben Solo is dead," Ren shot back, slowly approaching the girl. Plans of escape ran through his mind with each step he took. To his surprise, the girl did not seem frightened at his advances, which was strange, however he did not show it. He got about three feet away from his cot before an invisible barrier deterred his movements.

"A force field? Are you _that_ frightened of me?" Ren questioned, smirking as he thought of the extraordinary actions the Resistance were taking.

"It's a safety precaution really. Just in case you try to escape. It's protocol," Rey snarkily replied, crossing her arms against her chest. Ren was not fazed by her comment. He paced back and forth within his horribly confined space, only now letting the panic seep into his consciousness. _Not now!_

"Where am I?" he spat, trying to look past the girl's form to better scope out the place. He did not have such luck however.

"At a Resistance base. That's as detailed as I'm going to be."

Ren's hopes dropped. He was _never_ going to get back to the Order if he was stuck at a Resistance base. He could be _anywhere_ , "What happened? And why exactly am I here?"

The girl took a moment to reply, choosing her words carefully, "We were able to unstabilize your weapon to the point where the sun's energy contained in it exploded the entire planet. However, before the planet was destroyed, a Wookiee of ours was able to pick me and Finn up from the surface. The Wookiee, Chewbacca, and I went back and were able to save you too from the explosion."

Ren looked at her, eyes searching her features to see the lie in her story. Unfortunately, he did not find anything. He drawled, "So you came back for me? Does the little Jakku girl care for the great Kylo Ren so much that she would risk her own life to save that of her enemy?"

"Don't flatter yourself Ben. I only saved you because I was _ordered_ to."

This time, Ren couldn't stop the small display of shock on his face, "By who?" Already he was despising the answer.

"Who do you think?"

Ren let his eyes fall to the floor. His _mother_. The only one that actually believed that he could "switch to the Light". His hands unconsciously fisted, eliciting pain from several of the wounds under the bandages.

Rey noticed the change in his demeanor. He looked defeated, old almost. Rey let her arms fall to her side as she shifted her weight, now feeling very self conscious. _Is this pity?_ _Am I actually_ pitying _this man?_

"You're lucky you know," Rey stated, deciding to change subjects, "The wounds that you got were pretty bad. It took a _long_ time before we got those fully closed. The one on your face was probably the worst," Ren looked up at Rey, left eye trying to display his dislike. Rey continued, "I'll tell you one thing, it's going to leave a mean scar." Ren turned his face away. He wasn't so much angry at her, but more at himself. He should have seen it coming. He shouldn't have even been _injured_. He was taught by that old geezer Skywalker, and then trained by the almighty and all powerful Snoke. Yet he was defeated by a rogue stormtrooper and a girl from Jakku. _If Snoke hears about this-._

"Sorry about that by the way," Ren's head shot back up to find that Rey's features had softened slightly , "I didn't exactly mean to hurt you so badly- just to stall you until help came-"

"I don't need your pathetic apologies. I can handle myself just fine" he shot. It was his fault, and now his face will forever bear his failure.

Rey dismissed his retort. She knew he was too proud to accept anything, "We were afraid you might have gotten a cold or even pneumonia on that base due to all of the snow. But we patched you up pretty well."

Ren didn't reply to that. He let himself fall onto the cot and stare at the girl with his good eye. Rey, knowing that he will not respond, added, "Food comes three times a day, and bathroom breaks are to your disposal. You just have to ask one of the guards outside your room."

With that, Rey walked out of the room and signaled the guard to enact the force fields. The doorway closed and Solo was able to walk around freely in his room.

Just before Ren watched her leave, he saw her shout over her shoulder, "The Commander is going to be down shortly!" And with that she left.

Ren let his self control fall as he laid himself on his cot on his side, making sure his back was facing towards the "door". He tried to control his breathing as best as he could, however it was very hard due to the fact that he was still in a confined space. He had always been ashamed of his claustrophobia, and Snoke was just as disappointed as he was. Memories of Snoke trying to help him get over his fear made him shiver. Ren cursed under his breath. _I should be grateful that Snoke even_ tried _to help me. I could be in a much worse state. I cannot start being ungrateful just because I am not with my people._

Taking a deep breath, Ren closed his good eye and desperately tried to focus on meditating. It would have been much easier if the lumps in his mattress weren't digging into the charred flesh of his injuries. Ren gritted his teeth and pushed the pain down, just like he had done so many times before.

Kylo Ren. That used to mean something. People feared that name; used to tremble at the very thought of the power that he had. The First Order was his second-coming after he left Skywalker. He _lived_ for the Dark. He had to. Skywalker infused his "Light" into him. That's why he questioned Snoke's (and the Dark side's) power. It was all of Skywalker's fault. _That old fool_ , _so ignorant of the power that lay within his grasp._ He was more powerful than Skywalker, than _anyone_ , after his training with Snoke. _Fools! Don't they understand that the First Order will ultimately rule the universe?_

 _Then why do they still fight?_

 _What is the point?_

 _Because of hope._

Ren laughed, a cold and distant laugh. Hope was a lie. Something to tell the children to get them to stop crying their heads off. Hope was for the _weak_ , and Ren was anything but.

So Ren stayed where he was, refusing to let his fear get the best of him. If the Resistance wanted to torture him for information, they were doing a damn good job of it.

 _I can do this_ , he thought _, I can get through this. I did it before, I can do it again._

* * *

 _So that was the first chapter. Probably going to be a while before I actually update. Midterms are here and I actually need to study. Leave a comment please! Oh and make sure to follow. There is major whump later, for those who love that kind of stuff (i do lol)._


	2. Chapter 2

_Well I did not expect to be posting this so late. Schools sucks, my grades are dropping like flies, and teachers love giving out surprise research papers and tests. Oh, did I mention that I have no money whatsoever? Life can suck… whatever. Anyway here is the new chapter! Oh and if you get confused about the past and present, well then good. That's the point. So good luck!_

* * *

Rey did not like Ben Solo (or as he liked to put it "Kylo Ren"). Ben Solo was a spineless evil turncoat that cared about no one but himself. In Rey's eyes, Ben Solo was indeed a dead man. Ben Solo died after betraying the great Luke Skywalker. All that he wanted was power, and in order to gain said power, he picked up the work that his grandfather left off. _Of course he would forget the fact that the famous Darth Vader turned to the Light side at the end of his life._

Kylo Ren destroyed many families and killed innocent lives for the sake of power. He destroyed entire _planets_. _Millions of people!_ All obliterated. It was horrible watching the red streak of pure energy and heat collide with the Hosnian System. It was impossible to look at or even comprehend the fact that the Galactic Senate was destroyed, along with part of the New Republic Starfleet. It seemed like the end was near. She remembered having no hope, and life without hope was an unbearable thought.

And then he killed Han Solo, his own father. That was the final straw. Kylo Ren was correct when he said that she considered Han as a father that she never had. Rey had planned to stay on the Millennium Falcon and travel the galaxy with him and Chewie. But that was torn away from her by Ren. She would never forgive what he took away from her- what could have been.

No, Rey did not like Kylo Ren one bit.

Rey had been informed that General Organa was in the medical wing, so Rey made her way through the many winding hallways to reach the General; a route that was familiar to her.

The doors slid open and revealed a white room full of beds with many machines occupying the wallspace, beeping randomly while people and droids filtered in and out. In the corner of the room laid her friend, Finn. Rey went inside and found the General next to where Finn laid; hunched over a display screen, clothes and hair disheveled, as she studied the route to her twin with another person that Rey did not recognize. Upon approaching her, General Organa noticed Rey and dismissed the worker with her hand. The General looked at her with tired eyes that seemed to have aged fifty years. "How is he?"

"He's awake," Rey replied, "The injuries that he sustained didn't seem to affect him greatly."

The General was silent for a minute, thinking about what Rey had reported. Rey added, "He did not take kindly to the fact that he is here, with the Resistance."

The General sighed, "I expected as much." Organa pushed the screen away from her and collapsed into a nearby chair, motioning Rey to do the same. They faced each other, but their eyes did not meet. General Organa ran her hands over her face and moaned, "What am I going to do with that boy?" The General looked to Rey, her face showing defeat.

"He will come around," Rey lied, "We just need to give him some time to sort things out."

There was a pause. The General looked over and studied Finn, guilt evident on her face. "He did this."

Rey looked up at the General and tried to reply, to respond in some way, but the General was right. Kylo Ren did do this. "My son did this to him. He even killed his own father. My _son,_ " the General went on, no emotion evident in her voice. She just stated the facts- and Rey thought that that was what really destroyed Leia, because those were the facts, and there was no way to contradict it. Rey just sat there, observing Finn. He did not look hurt, he just looked like he was sleeping, like he was going to wake up anytime soon. But she knew that he wasn't. She saw the medical droid's report and heard the whispers from the other workers. He had sustained too much damage, and he was in a coma. They had no way of knowing when he would wake up, and Rey couldn't stand it. _First Han and now Finn. I can't lose you too._

General Organa noticed Rey's distress and placed her hand on her shoulder. Her thumb stroked her skin in a comforting way. "He will be fine. Everyone here is trying to find a way to wake him up. They _will_ find a way, and when he does come back, I will make sure that you are the first person that he sees."

Rey smiled, "Thank you." The General pulled Rey into a hug and Rey melted into her embrace; feeling secure like a child would in their mother's arms. Leia was so warm and comfortable, and Rey didn't want it to end. She never had a mother figure.

Organa pulled away first and placed a light kiss on Rey's forehead. Leia knew that Rey and Han had grown close during their short time together, and she knew that Rey took Han's death just as badly as Leia did. Leia considered Rey as the daughter that she never had. Rey was intelligent, kind, selfless, and considerit. _Ben used to be like that._ _Will he ever be able to be that again?_ Those thoughts swirled in her mind, but she pushed past them- not wanting to have to face the answer that she knew was slowly penetrating her soul. Leia pushed herself up from her chair and fixed her composition. She will not show weakness. She will stand tall.

Leia commanded, "It's time to see my son."

* * *

 _Breath._

 _Just breath._

 _Calm down and just breath dammit!_

" _Are you even trying?" the cold voice mocked, sending a shiver down his spine. Breath, breath, breath, breath._

 _He croaked, "I-I'm sorry Master. I'm trying my h-hardest. It's just tha-"_

" _Just what? Are you tired? Are you hungry?"_

 _He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around his legs as he curled into himself. "Y-yes Master, but-"_

" _But what!"_

 _Ren flinched. He wanted to get out. He_ needed _to get out. He couldn't (_ breath!) _stand it anymore. "Nothing M-Master."_

" _That's what I thought," Snoke snickered, "You are nothing."_

 _Ren screamed as electricity consumed his already damaged body. His limbs convulsed and twisted unnaturally. He knew he couldn't last long._

Ren gasped awake, sucking in much needed air into his depleted lungs. _Breath, breath, breath._ The mantra never stopped. It couldn't stop. _Breath!_

The pain in his sides did not subside, and the dull throb was starting to take its toll. Ren pushed himself up and pressed his hand against his flesh wound. He winced as he pulled his hand back and found small traces of smeared blood on his palm. _He could feel fresh warm blood trickle down his chin as the familiar metallic taste flooded his mouth. He knew that he had bitten his tongue, however the extent was unknown. He could hear something in the background, and inhuman shriek, but he could not place where the sound was coming from._

 _Stop! That's in the past!_ he thought, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to drift mindlessly into a calming meditation- but the throbbing in his side and his face only intensified.

 _It felt like hours before the pain subsided; the aftereffects of the torture tingled and spasmed his muscles randomly._

 _Breath and forget, breath and forget. Stop this!_

 _He realized the shriek came from him; his throat sore and tender. Breath breath breath!_

 _A cold breath breathed against the tip of his ears. Someone was talking to him. "You are nothing."_

"Stop!"

Ren grabbed his head in his hands and tried to will away the memories. Memories of pain, shame, _failure_.

" _You are nothing."_

 _Am I?_

"Ben?"

Ren twisted his head around to find an older woman stand inside his room. Leia Organa. His mother. He turned his face away. He didn't want to look at her. _Couldn't_ look at her (especially not now!), however he would never admit it. _He_ had to look like the one in control, and not the pathetic child ( _breath_ ) that he knew that he truly was.

He gritted his teeth and swung his legs around to let them rest on the ground while bringing the the blanket around to cover his midriff - to cover the blood. _No weakness._ He tried not to look around too much - the fear of the walls closing in on him was slowly returning after gaining consciousness. He stared at the ground and felt Organa's eyes on him the entire time. _Breath._

Organa noticed the way her son's eyes dropped to the ground, and the fact that he did not move his gaze away from the small stain on the floor. She sighed, knowing that this was not going to be easy. A guard came into the small space and placed a stool on the ground, saluted, and retreated quickly. Organa shook her head as she carefully set herself onto the seat. She sat there in silence as she took in her son's condition. White gauze was stretched unceremoniously across his angular head and made his long hair flatten in some parts and not in others. He looked older. A spike of sadness enveloped her at the fact that a young man of his age should not have the aroma of someone who has witnessed such horrid atrocities (that he most likely has had to endure in his time with Snoke). _No one should have to go through that._ However life was cruel, and even the brightest, like Rey, were victims to life's hand at times.

Organa cleared her throat, "Are you feeling better?"

Her son did not reply. Leia, knowing that he won't talk, continued, "I was worried about you. The medical droids made it seem like you were going to die at any minute. But I knew that you weren't. You're strong, like your father."

Ren met Organa's eyes at the mentioning of his father. He started to pick at the fabric of his clothing.

"Oh your father… Always the first person rushing into a battle, he was. He wouldn't even consider the possibility of death; he would just run straight toward trouble."

Ren listened, his hands preoccupying themselves as his nervousness grew. _Nervousness or guilt?_ Suddenly the walls of the room seemed to start to move slightly inward. His breath caught, but Organa did not notice this. _Breath breath breath._

Organa smiled, "I remember when he didn't want anything to do with me. Oh yes, I remember those times. He tried pushing me away- too many times to count!- and yet after all that we had went through, he stayed with me." She chuckled and shook her head, the memories of her past flashed before her eyes. _We did have good times Han._

Organa looked to her son, the last thing that _truly_ connected her to Han. Her smile faded into a sad one. She whispered, "I forgive you, Ben."

Ren's face failed to cover his immediate shock. _She forgives me? But_ how _? I_ killed _him! Her husband! My_ father! Guilt then took over his mind. _How could I have killed my father?_

 _You are pathetic! Have I not taught you anything? She is_ turning _you. She is_ manipulating _you. Or are you too naive to see that?_ Snoke's voice drifted into his consciousness. He was always there. _Always._

 _She is?_

 _Breath._

 _She is._

Anger replaced confusion. _That had to be the truth. She would never forgive me so quickly like that._ Ren grunted, "I am not Ben Solo anymore. I do not need your _forgiveness_ woman!" Ren pushed himself up off of the cot and faced his mother straight on, his eyes cold and distant. His thin blanket fell to the ground, and his hands took their place. _Show no weakness. Show no pain_. _Breath._

Organa pleaded, "Ben listen I-"

" _No!"_ Ren yelled, while his body shook with the strain of using his weak muscles. "Do not call me _Ben_. I know what you are trying to do. You're playing little mind games to _confuse_ me. But I will not so easily be fooled. I am smarter than you. I was _trained_ for this!"

Organa interjected, "Ben what-"

"Don't take me for a fool you old hag," Ren stepped forward towards the force field separating him from his mother. He sized himself, looking down on the pathetic excuse for a mother, and sneered, "You, your brother, and your husband have been trying to make me turn all this time, however I am the stronger one! You cast me away to Skywalker, and even _he_ could not stop what was already destined. _I_ 've been able to smother every pull of the Light. I'm _immune_! Who is the stronger one _now."_

"We only wanted to _help_ you Ben. You were our son, and we didn't know how else to help," Leia cried.

" _Stop calling me Ben_!" Ren screamed, bringing his good arm up to pound against the force field.

"Ben wait-!"

The touch of his flesh against the field caused him to drop down on the ground. He didn't know what had happened. All that was evident was the pain. The pain. _The pain._

 _Breath! Stop it!_

 _The electricity coursed through him. He should have been used to this kind of pain after the many years that he had been with his Master. He deserved this pain._

 _The torment stopped as quickly as it came. He knew his Master was angry with him. He disrespected him yet again. Breath, breath._

 _Why can't I do anything right?_

 _He was in a room. Too small._

 _Closing in._

 _Breath._

 _You are nothing._

 _The air was thin. Too thin._

 _Breath._

 _Something was pressing into him. The walls. It was the walls._

 _It hurt._

 _You are nothing._

 _You are worthless._

 _Breath breath breath._

 _Pathetic._

 _Breath._

 _A failure._

 _Breath breath breath breath._

 _Just like your father._

 _Breath breath BREATH_

 _He was suffocating._

 _Too much._

 _BREATH._

Organa watched in horror as her son wreathed in agony from the electric shock that the force field emitted. She barked over her shoulder, "Take the field down. _Now_!"

In seconds, the force field between herself and her son was dropped, and automatically her paternal instincts kicked in. She dropped to the floor, noticing that several guards (including Rey) swarmed into the small room. Her wrinkled hands reached for her son to cradle him in her arms, however she was stopped when Ben opened his eyes.

 _His Master stared down at him, disgust in his eyes._

" _Please. I can't take any more," Ren begged, pushing himself further away from the wrath that his Master would undoubtedly reign upon him. "I will try harder I swear!"_

 _His Master stopped in his tracks, his hand outstretched, yet it slightly shook._

 _He was angry- so angry that he was shaking._

 _Ren's face dropped. Only several times had his Master been so full of anger, and all of those times Ren had been left as a blubbering mess. He couldn't take that. Not again. Breath!_

" _I'll do better! I will do anything to prove to you that I am worthy._ Anything."

Organa could not do anything but watch hopelessly as her son looked through her with eyes that were not in the present. He babbled fearfully to the specter of his 'Master' while he shifted his body further away, "Please, I'll do anything! Don't punish me! _I can't take it anymore!"_

His body broke down on the cold floor and curled into a fetal position. Blood slowly seeped into his clothing and smeared across the floor. Tears long overdue spilled from his eyes as he cradled himself against the side of the wall.

Leia could not contain her emotions as they too spilled from her eyes. She sobbed, "Ben, what have they done to you?"

* * *

 _I hope that was okay. It took a long time to do… So I hope to post soon but no promises. Make sure to review! Oh, and hitting that favorite/follow button wouldn't hurt either!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Let me formally apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I have no excuses. This month has been crazy. I was literally sick for two whole days and yet I was too lazy to write and update. I just watched Better Call Saul (which is a great show btw) and I just read some more fanfic. I had some serious writer's block. But now it's spring break and I'm not doing anything. And now I finally had some inspiration. Well what's done is done. Now this chapter is kinda long I guess. I'm not very proud of it either. It's alright I guess._

 _Well anyway I hope you like it!_

* * *

 _Shaking._

 _The fact that Master was shaking was not good. Not at all._

 _He remembered the last time Master shook from anger, and he remembered only being in pain. That was the last time that he ever disobeyed his Master._

 _And now Master was shaking. Again._

 _Not good._

 _Shaking means anger. Anger means pain. Pain means failure. Ren cringed and his body tensed, knowing that the pain was sure to come. But it wasn't pain. It was something else._

 _Hands._

 _The hands were everywhere and he could feel them all over his body. They were like snakes, coiling themselves around his exposed form. He was helpless. He didn't like it. They pulled and tugged and pushed and stretched and yanked and pinched and and and-._

 _Voices. Too many voices. Voices to the hands._

 _And the_ noise. _This was not his Master's doing. Master did not use techniques like this on him._

 _Is this worse?_

 _The noise was relentless. It pounded against his eardrums and reverberated against the inside of his skull. They wouldn't stop._

 _Shouting._

 _That's what he heard. Just shouting._

 _He didn't know what, or who, they were shouting at, but he didn't want to find out._

 _Failure._

 _Punishment._

 _Disappointment._

 _Suffering._

 _He felt his hands press against his ears, but it didn't help. He could still hear them. Still_ feel _them._

" _Get off get off GET OFF!" Ren shouted at the unknown. But they didn't stop. They pulled at his arms and legs, but Ren wouldn't submit._

 _He wouldn't let them win. Not this time._

Ren peeled his eyes open but was met with sheer white light. Ren cringed at the sudden brightness, but as his pupils slowly adjusted, he began to see blurred faces. He didn't like those disfigured faces. They wanted to hurt him. To punish him. To _torture_ him.

Ren blindly used the force against his attackers to push them away from him. But it seemed like the more he pushed them away, the more them kept on coming back.

 _Torture._

 _Punishment._

 _Pain._

 _Hands._

 _Noise._

 _Breath breath breath._

But he noticed that he couldn't breath.

He tried to. He felt the air travel into his lungs, but they were not satisfied- like a balloon with a million holes. No matter how much he air he blew into it, the balloon would never blow up.

He started to panic. _Breath breath breath BREATH!_

Not enough air. Not enough oxygen. Not enough anything.

His initial panic increased tenfold. He was sweating; he could feel it collect and run down his jawline and fall down from his chin. He could feel it snaking down his spine, making him shiver. Some of it slipped into his gaping mouth. It tasted like salt.

 _Too much._

 _Too much!_

 _BREATHBREATHBREATHBREATH_

His throat constricted. His chest heaved involuntarily but something in his throat closed off. His body jerked from the strain. He couldn't breath.

His extremities trembled and wouldn't stop shaking. The already blurred figures hovering in his eyesight were becoming even more unfocused. Spots of colors danced before his eyes as darkness began to creep around the edges of his vision.

 _I'm dying._

Ren felt his body begin to go limp. The people around him were screaming now. The hands were still all over his body, but he didn't care. He didn't mind.

He laid there and watched the ghosts flutter around frantically before his eyes began to droop down on their own free will. He didn't mind that he was dying. He didn't mind that he was leaving that horrible world. He didn't mind leaving his mother. He just didn't care. Not anymore at least. He wanted it all to stop. He didn't see the point. He couldn't take any more of it. The never ending mantra stopped for once in his life.

 _I'm free_ he thought before he went unconscious.

~oOo~

 _Laryngospasm_ _(luh-RING-go-spaz-um)_ _i_ _s a brief spasm of the vocal cords that temporarily makes it difficult to speak or breathe. The onset of vocal cord spasms is usually sudden, and the breathing difficulty can be alarming. However, the problem is not life-threatening, and it's generally brief and self-correcting._

That's what the medical droids had spewed out at Leia once they brought Ben back to the medical wing. She didn't care that it was temporary. She didn't care that it was not life-threatening. Hell, she didn't care that it would most likely never happen (to that extent at least) again. Leia only cared about what had caused the episode.

 _-most likely, in his case, caused by extreme stress or anxiety._

Extreme stress or anxiety. Her baby Ben, so stressed out and anxious enough for him to have a panic attack and cause a spasm that closed off his throat.

It was not fair.

 _Why did everything in my life get so screwed up?_

Leia could have blamed Han easily. Han should have sold the Millennium Falcon and they all should have settled on some nice, quiet planet- not drifting from place to place. He should have seen the signs. Han should have known that there was something off with their son. He should have talked with Ben and tried to determine the problem (and soon the solution). He should have been the father that Ben deserved.

Leia could have also blamed Luke. He was the one that couldn't help Ben. He said that he could help-no, _fix_ \- him, but he didn't. If anything he might have made Ben worse. Ben would have been a Jedi, however Luke had to screw it all up. He must not have paid close enough attention to her Ben. Or Luke didn't try hard enough. Or Luke just didn't care.

But Leia knew that it was not Luke's fault. She knew that he was not the one to blame. He was trying to train a new generation of Jedi to bring peace to the galaxy for the future. He couldn't have spent his entire time looking after one Padawan.

Neither was it Han's fault. He didn't know what to do with a rebellious son. He didn't know how to handle a family. He was too used to the constant flying, smuggling, and instability that came with being a single man. He didn't know the first thing to "settling down". And Leia should have known that it would be hard for him to transition.

In all honesty, the one that Leia blamed the most was herself. _She_ should have paid attention to the signs. _She_ should have helped him through his tough times. _She_ should have known that Ben could not be cured by sending him off to her brother.

 _I'm a pathetic mother._

Yes, she blamed herself for everything. For Ben. For her marriage. For Han's death. She could not get it out of her head. There were too many _What If_ s. But she knew that nothing could change the past. What's been done is done.

And now, because of her, she was sitting in the medical wing next to her son. Leia dropped her head into her trembling hands and pressed her palms into her tired eyes. Colors exploded for a moment until she dragged her hands down her face, sighing in the process. Her hair unwillingly came undone from her bun and rested on her face. Her clothes were days old and looked raggedy. She felt gross. She felt wrong. She felt defeated. Leia leaned back in her chair and let her head hang off the edge. She couldn't take this kind of stress anymore. She closed her eyes.

" _Hey mom, now look at_ this _one!" Ben yelled over his shoulder as he tugged at Leia's hand with his own. His laughter was caught by the subtle breeze that cascaded down the mountain. They were on some distant planet that Leia had not even known existed. Han was there "doing business" (whatever_ that _meant) and she and Ben were left wandering around the mountainside until Han was done. At first, Leia was not too keen on leaving the Millennium Falcon and exploring the unknown planet, however her son was all too excited._

 _Leia followed her son to a small opening in the brush. He pulled her down and they both crouched on the rocky ground. Ben's breathing was fast and it rustled Leia's hair like the wind did._

" _Look" Ben whispered, pulling some branches and vegetation aside to reveal what laid ahead._

 _Leia gasped. Beyond was a ravine that spanned for miles. It was truly beautiful. Green, purple, yellow- so many colors were visible. The suns were starting to go down, and as they did, they had cast a warm glow onto the land. Waterfalls spilled and flowed at the bottom and ran into the unknown. Animals cooed and sang beneath the vegetation, mixing in with the far-away sounds of the spilling water. It was so peaceful._

 _Ben turned to his mother and gave her a toothy grin, "Isn't it beautiful?"_

 _Leia pulled her son to her side and guided his head to the crook of her neck. She put her lips to the top of his head; smelling his clean hair as she kissed him lightly. She rested her head on top of his as they both returned their gaze back to the ravine. She whispered, "Yes, yes it is Ben."_

Leia opened her eyes and let them fall back onto her son. The bandages that were wrapped around his head for his right eye were replaced simply with gauze and tape. The surrounding area was covered with purple and blue bruises. His midriff and shoulder wounds had been reopened after the events that took place those many hours ago, and they had to be closed yet again. However, they too were starting to recover quickly. Leia ghosted her hands across Ben's pale face- not daring to touch his fragile form in case it shattered beneath her fingers. _Just like everything else in my life has_.

Leia did not want to think about how pale Ben was, nor how black in hair seemed in contrast with his skin. She didn't want to think about how her son's body was too skinny and underweight. She didn't want to acknowledge the many scars and bruises that littered his back and chest. She didn't want to accept the fact that her one and only son was tortured and inhumanely treated during his time with Snoke.

She should have known. She should have known that something like this would have happened while her son was with one of the most vilest men in the galaxy. She should have known and she should have stopped it.

But it was too late. The damage was done. And she couldn't do anything about it but just wait and treat it.

~oOo~

 _Dark._

 _Too dark._

 _Breath._

 _Cold._

 _Too cold._

 _Breath._

 _He could feel it licking his body; sending him into hopeless oblivion._

 _He couldn't see. He couldn't feel. He couldn't hear. All of his senses were taken away from him. Well,_ almost _all of his senses. He could still taste. But all that was there to taste was the cold sweat that ran into his mouth and the slight hint of blood that always seemed to be present. He hated salt. He hated blood. He hated red. He hated darkness. He hated the cold. He hated the room that he was in. He hated being_ vulnerable _. Breath breath breath._

 _Stop being childish! Snoke brought you in and_ saved _you! He did not have to do that. But he chose_ you _, out of everyone else. He saw something in you that was special. He took you in and is training you to become more powerful than any other. He is trying to teach you to be respective and to follow orders. He doesn't want you to fail. He wants you to succeed._

 _Then why is he (_ breath) _doing this to me? Why does he laugh at my pain? Why does he not help me? Why does he not care? Why does he_ hurt _me?_

 _He couldn't take it- mentally, emotionally, or physically. He wanted to go back to his family. He wanted to be back on the Millennium Falcon helping his father with the repairs as his parents bickered about the state that the ship was in. He wanted his mother to hold him again like she did when he was little._

 _Stop acting like a child! You are older, wiser, better,_ stronger _. You should not be acting like a five year old. Breath breath!_

 _But he wanted to be back. He couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't care anymore. He silently cried himself to sleep. He knew, deep down inside, that his longing- his_ hope- _would never become reality. He would never be saved. He would never be comforted like he used to when he was younger. His family will never come for him because they didn't want him anymore. They hated him._

 _And he didn't blame them because he hated himself._

 _That night he felt something break inside of him, and it had never been repaired since._

Ren could feel himself beginning to wake and his awareness to take hold. He didn't fight it, since he knew that he would not win. He never won. His eyelids slowly lifted and he found that he was staring at a ceiling. A different ceiling than before. Memories flashed before his eyes. _I was dying._

"I'm supposed to be dead" he croaked to himself. He wanted to move, but he found that his limbs were securely restrained. He pulled on the restraints, trying to use his anger to summon the force to get him out of his predicament. However, he was too weak. Ren slumped back into the bed.

 _Tired. So tired. Why can't I just sleep forever and not be bothered?_

The sudden noises woke Leia up from her brief slumber. She looked down at her now conscious son, who had his eyes and face scrunched up.

"Ben are you-" Leia began, however her son's reaction to her voice made her stop.

Ren snapped his eyes open and violently flinched at the noise. _Close. Too close!_ His eyes focused on the form looming over him, however he realized that it was his mother. He let out his breath that he didn't know that he was holding and let some of the tension go. However he was still skeptical. _Don't show weakness_. _Breath._

Leia ignored her son's reaction and continued, "Ben, are you feeling better? Are you in pain?"

Ren did not like that she was looking down on him. It reminded him of other things. Past things. _Breath._ Before his past started flashing before his eyes, Ren pushed through the pain and forced himself into a sitting position. _I will not have her looking down on me. Not again. Not like last time. Breath._

He did not answer the questions. He did not want to speak the truth. He did not want to do anything. He gritted through clenched teeth, "Leave."

Leia sighed and got up from her chair. She knew it was a lost cause. The creaking of the weight being lifted from the wood made Ren slightly cringe, but he paid no attention to it. She asked, "Do you need anything?"

Ren did not answer. She did not expect him to answer. She padded her way up the door and looked back to her only son. His hair covered his face and hung limply from his bowed head. His fingers preoccupied themselves in the material of the blankets. He looked so young. So _small_.

"If you need anything, just signal me with the remote by the bed. I'm here for you, Ben" Leia said, turning to leave.

She wanted to believe that she heard something. She wanted to believe that Ben looked up at her. She wanted to be sure that as she walked out the door, she heard a faint whisper from her son. Something so quiet that she almost couldn't hear it. She could have sworn that she heard a broken "Thank you". But she wasn't sure.

Instead, she left the room, walking down the halls with a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She might not be sure that he had said anything at all, but she could always believe. She could always hope.

And that was enough.

* * *

 _Okay wait hold on, can I just say how crazy these primaries are? They're a mess! I don't want to start anything and I don't want to get into any fights about political ideology so I won't say anything rash. If you do want to talk about it with me, you can PM me because I have some_ very _strong views (I'm a liberal by the way). Well enough about that. I plan on updating soon, and I hope everyone liked the chapter. It's kind of flat but hey deal with it. Also, I exaggerated a little about Laryngospasm. If anyone has it, don't get angry. I just needed some whump. However, the definition, symptoms, and causes of it are true (I looked it up)._

 _Anyway, this is really long, and I just want to remind you all to follow, favorite, and leave a review! I love critical reviews, but mean ones are just uncalled for._


	4. Chapter 4

Ha! April Fools!

So sorry everybody, but I just _had_ to do this. I've read so many stories where they would do something like this and it really bugged me. With that in mind, I desperately wanted to do it here. For all of you. So that you can all hate me(if you already don't lol). Anyway I'll keep you posted. I just finished the outline for the next chapter. It will be up shortly.

Yours truly,

otherjubly


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